The Road to Recovery

I am naming this year MY YEAR!  I have spent so much time giving little pieces of myself away and I realized recently that I'm barely here anymore.  I knew that when I became a mom a large part of me would go to my children.  But I didn't realize that I'd foolishly given the rest of me to false dreams and hopes.  I know now that I deserve better and will have better.  But, I have to get better myself first.  My goals are to be mentally, spiritually and physically healthy.

I have started seeing a Christian counselor and he's been so helpful.  I've only seen him twice but I know he will be able to start me on the path to recovery.  I let someone take away my self confidence and security in who I am.  That's my fault.  I wasn't the one with the addiction or the post-war problems.  I should have known better.  I tried all the wrong ways to help him see reality.  When the reality was, I should have stepped back and let God do His job.  The task of changing some one's heart rests solely in God's hands, not mine and not even my husband's.  By separating myself from the destructive dance we were doing, I am hoping we can both be more mentally healthy this year.

I'm learning about surrendering....everything.  Unfortunately, our children will suffer because of the choices we've both made and that hurts me deeply.  But now is my time to turn them over to God as well.  He will lift them up and take care of them far better than I can.  At this point, I turn whatever is left of my marriage over to the Lord as well.  I'm positive I know where it will end up, but still I give it to God to fulfill His purpose with it.  I am at peace with letting go.  I surrender every part of my life because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when I do this, I will be taken care of like I never have before.  It's a struggle though because I like control and I think I know the way to my own happiness.  I'm a 'have it all together kinda gal' right?  Well, at least that is what I thought before I embraced the truth.  Clearly, my way failed miserably.  I'm ok with that failure because I know it needed to happen.  I have no regrets about anything I've done.

I'm also committing my physical self to being more healthy.  I just recently purchased a pass to our local gym, which I love, and I actually plan on using it!  I have two little people who will look to me for an example on how to live life.  Cheeseburgers, cake scraps and lethargy are not what I want that example to be.  That last statement isn't completely indicative of my current situation but I never want it to be, so I'm making a change!  Jonah is starting to get into a routine so that helps immensely.  Now I can start to make a routine for our days, working in working out and planning healthy, yummy meals.  In the blink of an eye I'll be making Jonah's food.  And I'm pretty sure french fries won't grind up too well!

In all areas of my life I have set up realistic goals to get to a better me.  I know how I want to achieve them...lean on God to help me!  This year, I want nothing more than to become the woman I've always wanted to be.  That woman is happy, organized, on time, at a healthy weight, good-no great- mommy, self confident and closer to God.  Ok ok, I know not all these things are possible.  Let's face it I've never been fully organized and being on time was difficult when I only had myself to get ready!  So, I think I'll concentrate on the others.  All I can do is try and trust.