Friday, April 22, 2011

Ugh!!!

This weather, this day, this moment...all I have to say is ugh!  I want to be the type of person that can look outside the bad and see the good.  Today, I can't.  I'm sad, I'm pissed, I'm scared and I'm hurting.  I'm having a really difficult time with everything and I can't figure out why.  I'm having such a hard time letting go.  This completely baffles me!  What is it that I'm holding onto?  A dream?  A should have been?  A how the hell could this happen to me and when is it gonna be over?  I'm tired of being in this holding cell and not knowing how to move forward.  I still hate the thought of divorce, scares me to death...but WHY???  Yet I can't see myself going back.  These are the confusing thoughts that run through my head and they are driving me crazy, I'm driving myself crazy.

Patience and trust.  This is what I believe the Lord is trying to teach me throughout all of this.  I struggle so much with these and days like today I feel like patience is completely out of the question.  I know you can't have true trust and be impatient.  True trust in God means surrendering everything and accepting His will.  That includes His timing.  If I could just have a banner in the sky that lets me know everything is gonna be ok in 3, 6, 12 or even 24 months I could do it.  But, I don't have the luxury of seeing the future.  I try to take it day by day and I'm usually pretty good at that.  But not today.  Today I wanna crawl in bed, cry and wait for it all to be over.  Ugh...

Thursday, April 7, 2011

This and That

It's been a while since I've blog, so I have a lot to catch up on.  Life has been moving at a very quick pace these last few weeks.  I can't believe that it is already April and summer is right around the corner.  I'm looking forward to warm, spring days, and soon pool days!  Come on summer, we're ready.

Jonah-Jonah had his four month check-up!  He weighs 14.5 pounds and is 26.25 inches long!!  Such a big boy.  He did great with his shots.


Eleanor-This little one has turned into such a big girl!  She is now taking a class at The Little Gym.  She loves it.  I've been wanting to get her into a more structured play environment with a voice of authority other than family.  She has really taken to it....for the most part.  A lot of the time, she just runs around and does her own thing.  But occasionally she does listen to Teacher Ashley and do the skills.  It's nice for her to be around other kids and run off some of her serious energy!

 
Diet-Sad to say, I haven't been doing great on my diet.  Life gets in the way too often.  I've started with a personal trainer so I'm hopeful that will jump start my motivation.  Also, I'm starting spinning classes with a friend!  I did my first one (in a very, very, very long time) class on Tuesday.  I survived.  Barely.  I'm going to focus more on exercise and eating healthy, rather than a structured diet.  I'm just too busy (and easily sidetracked) to count calories, sugars, carbs, points or anything really!

Detox-So lately I've been really feeling led to detox my family.  This is pretty much all inclusive-food, body products and medicine.  My friend Tiffany told me about the essential oil company doTerra.  I am now obsessed!  I went to a class that Tiffany had and joined "the club."  There is an oil to fix any ailment and help any body system!  I've never been one to over-medicate myself or my kids so this is right up my alley.  I am even going to start making my own beauty products.  I am waiting for everything to come in, I had to mail order most things.  The market for homemade, natural anything is pretty slim here in Akron!  I will make lip balm, body lotion, face cleaner, face lotion, wrinkle cream, face masks, bars of soap and diaper rash cream.  I'll update how everything works and how my skin reacts.  I'm sure my skin will be baby soft and glowing...at least I hope so!  Lastly, I'm detoxing my diet.  My goal is to decrease my use of boxed and bottled products.  Even though it might be a little more expensive, I'm also planning on buying the fruits and veggies on the dirty dozen organically.  Unfortunately, I just can't afford to buy everything organic.  And that's ok!

No 'Poo-This is not a reference to what you might think!  This is a method of shampooing, or not actually.  I am going "no 'poo."  This entails getting rid of all shampoos and conditioners.  Instead, I use a mixture of baking soda and water to wash my hair and a mixture of apple cider vinegar for conditioner.  I've only been doing it one week or so.  My hair is generally pretty greasy and it's worse now!  The thought behind this is to help my hair produce it's own oils instead of chemically stripping them and then adding chemicals back in to keep my hair shiny and healthy.  For smelly goods, I'll use a few drops of an essential oil blend called Citrus Bliss!  We'll see how it goes...

Emotions-Well, I'm happy to report that I'm feeling pretty peaceful these day!  I have been taking steps to keep my distance and it really helps.  I'm trusting God's plan, even though I'm not quite sure what that is yet, for my life more and more.  Frankly, I know that I will be taken care of in every way as long as I'm faithful and that feels pretty good!  As for my future with Matt, who knows???  I'm trying to take every day as it comes and not look to far into what might happen.  That is too exhausting.  I still have bad days, lonely days, wishing life was different days, but overall, my days are good days spent playing with my beautiful babies and thanking God he chose ME to be their mommy.  Life is getting good my friends.