To forgive or not to forgive...again?

How did I get here again?  How could I let him hurt me again?  Why weren't things different?  These are some of the questions that keep replaying in my mind, over and over and over.  Well, these and many more that aren't even worth putting in writing.  These "maladaptive thoughts" as my counselor calls them are wreaking havoc on my mind and emotional well-being.  So, I decided to talk to the doctor about an anti-depressant.  While I'm not thrilled with the idea, I realize I need the extra help to get over this last betrayal.  So, I started almost a week ago and I'm still waiting for them to kick in.  It takes about three weeks according to my doctor.  All the while, these destructive thoughts keep running through my head.  I try to think about something else, pray them away, will them away...I've tried everything.  Everything except one thing...true forgiveness.

I know God calls, no- commands, me to forgive but can I really do that again?  I sat here thinking about this one night and it hit me-I only forgave them because something was in it for me.  The other times forgiveness came easy because I  wanted something from him, reconciliation.  And I always felt it was possible and even probable at times.  With that in mind, of course I forgave them.  Reconciliation starts with forgiveness and that was ultimately what I wanted.

Now that reconciliation is off the table completely, I'm finding it very difficult to get over the hurt, resentment, rejection and betrayal that I'm feeling towards both of them.  Mainly Matt, but she duped me and my mom too.  The scars I'm left with are deep and wide.  I'm not sure how to get over them, I'm really not.  Time, counseling, God.  All good ways but I'm still struggling.

I'm left with my two children, to raise and love and provide for all on my own and that is really hard!  I think once I accept this maybe forgiveness will come.  But what's in it for me, I think?  Well, nothing worldly, that's for sure.  Yet, when I forgive them, I get to be obedient to a God that I truly love and who truly loves me.  Isn't that better than anything anyone on earth could give me?  Isn't that enough?  Yes, it is.  It has to be, because some days that's all I have.

Labor Day at the Cleveland Zoo

Labor Day morning was a little cool and dreary so the planned pool day was out.  As were were having breakfast my mom suggested we go to the Cleveland Zoo, something we'd been wanting to do all summer.  It was a perfect day at the zoo!  We were a little scared when we pulled into our parking spot...literally one of the very last at the very back of the lot!  But, as we walked around the zoo, it was hard to see where all the people were.  We packed a lunch and snacks and just enjoyed getting out, getting exercise and being together.  Great idea Mimi!!

August Adventures

So I know this is a little (well, a lot) late but here is our August in pictures!

Just hanging out together...in the same high chair!

 We had a "mini" family reunion and Cath wanted to go to the Gorge park.  I love seeing Eleanor's little face poking through!

She loves the Beco carrier and so does Mommy :)

Another lovely Wednesday with cousins!

Jonah loves the Beco too, so cozy!

The next several are from Melissa and all the kids came to invade...I mean visit!  It was so great to have everyone here and Eleanor loves her IL cousins so much.  Can't wait for our next visit.

Just another example of Eleanor making a mess with food.  This time it's nutella.  We love this stuff!

My first ever job interview in almost ten years.  I looked good...didn't get the job but that's ok!

Hello sir, you're a handsome little dude!

Karlee and Eleanor love playing together!

Cherub?  I think so...

Streaker in the neighbor's driveway?  Most definitely!

So there you have it.  All in all it was a great summer.  We are looking forward to apple picking, pumpkin patches and Halloween!  

This its what happens when...

Eleanor refuses to nap in her bed!

Infectious giggles

Simple raspberries has the happy little cherub in sweet giggle fits! He is such a happy, sweet baby boy.

A princess and a milestone

This August my mom and I took Eleanor to see Cinderella at a local theatre, the Weathervane.  Ok ok, so I know it's not a true developmental milestone.  But for a little girl it kind of is and we were all excited!  When the show first started she was so excited and kept clapping and asking "I see Cinderella?" Then the lights went out and she was mesmerized.  It was so cute to watch her watch the show.  It was a children's production so it was extra special!  During intermission we got some M&M's to occupy her during the second act...which worked for a few scenes only.  Then she was up walking around but luckily we were in the front row so that was a good place for her to explore and not bother anyone.  After the show the theatre put on an ice cream social, complete with ice cream cone cupcakes and a meet and greet with the actors.  All in all it was a great night out with my little girl!  I look forward to many more nights at the theatre with her.  I wish I had more pictures of the event, but this is all I got!

In the car on the way, so excited!  Notice her pretty bracelet?

Sitting in the seat waiting for the show to start.

Oh the joy of being a princess!

About to start the show, she's dialed in and ready!

Meeting some of the cast

And the crowning moment was meeting Cinderella!

Happy Birthday wish!

Watch "Happy birthday Aunt Kelly" on YouTube

Enjoying summer's favorite fruit

Eleanor has loved tomatoes from the moment I gave them to her!  Last summer she would pick our cherry tomatoes straight off the plant, green or red, and pop the sweet little fruit right in her mouth.  This summer she took advantage of her Pa-Pa's tomatoes.  The kids go over there every Wednesday and more often than not she'd make a bee line for the garden!  Don't bother slicing or dicing, just wipe the tomato off and hand it to her.  She eats them like an apple.  My dad is proud of his tomatoes and seeing Eleanor's love for them makes his heart swell!!  These were taken one perfect summer day in August.

My obsession deepens

I have a serious addiction to Fiestaware. I love it and have for years. And now, my friends, my love affair has grown....Fiesta Tervis Tumblers!! The best drinking glass on the planet meets the best dinnerware on the planet. Breathe, Melissa, breathe. My prayer today goes something like this "Lord, please give me the strength to NOT order a full set of the beauties." - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Who wants more?

Jonah does! Way to go buddy!

"When I wake up..."

This is Eleanor's new sentence before she goes to sleep. Every day for nap and bedtime she asks this and I have to muster up an answer that seems worthy of going to sleep. It usually involves playing outside or seeing Mimi and/or Bubby. Today it was "When I wake up I have a cupcake?" said in a very tired, yet excited little voice.I don't have any so I said maybe. And she answered "Ok, that would be so delicious"! Love my little cupcake queen! Now, if only she would stay in her bed...