To forgive or not to forgive...again?

How did I get here again?  How could I let him hurt me again?  Why weren't things different?  These are some of the questions that keep replaying in my mind, over and over and over.  Well, these and many more that aren't even worth putting in writing.  These "maladaptive thoughts" as my counselor calls them are wreaking havoc on my mind and emotional well-being.  So, I decided to talk to the doctor about an anti-depressant.  While I'm not thrilled with the idea, I realize I need the extra help to get over this last betrayal.  So, I started almost a week ago and I'm still waiting for them to kick in.  It takes about three weeks according to my doctor.  All the while, these destructive thoughts keep running through my head.  I try to think about something else, pray them away, will them away...I've tried everything.  Everything except one thing...true forgiveness.

I know God calls, no- commands, me to forgive but can I really do that again?  I sat here thinking about this one night and it hit me-I only forgave them because something was in it for me.  The other times forgiveness came easy because I  wanted something from him, reconciliation.  And I always felt it was possible and even probable at times.  With that in mind, of course I forgave them.  Reconciliation starts with forgiveness and that was ultimately what I wanted.

Now that reconciliation is off the table completely, I'm finding it very difficult to get over the hurt, resentment, rejection and betrayal that I'm feeling towards both of them.  Mainly Matt, but she duped me and my mom too.  The scars I'm left with are deep and wide.  I'm not sure how to get over them, I'm really not.  Time, counseling, God.  All good ways but I'm still struggling.

I'm left with my two children, to raise and love and provide for all on my own and that is really hard!  I think once I accept this maybe forgiveness will come.  But what's in it for me, I think?  Well, nothing worldly, that's for sure.  Yet, when I forgive them, I get to be obedient to a God that I truly love and who truly loves me.  Isn't that better than anything anyone on earth could give me?  Isn't that enough?  Yes, it is.  It has to be, because some days that's all I have.