Ugh!!!

This weather, this day, this moment...all I have to say is ugh!  I want to be the type of person that can look outside the bad and see the good.  Today, I can't.  I'm sad, I'm pissed, I'm scared and I'm hurting.  I'm having a really difficult time with everything and I can't figure out why.  I'm having such a hard time letting go.  This completely baffles me!  What is it that I'm holding onto?  A dream?  A should have been?  A how the hell could this happen to me and when is it gonna be over?  I'm tired of being in this holding cell and not knowing how to move forward.  I still hate the thought of divorce, scares me to death...but WHY???  Yet I can't see myself going back.  These are the confusing thoughts that run through my head and they are driving me crazy, I'm driving myself crazy.

Patience and trust.  This is what I believe the Lord is trying to teach me throughout all of this.  I struggle so much with these and days like today I feel like patience is completely out of the question.  I know you can't have true trust and be impatient.  True trust in God means surrendering everything and accepting His will.  That includes His timing.  If I could just have a banner in the sky that lets me know everything is gonna be ok in 3, 6, 12 or even 24 months I could do it.  But, I don't have the luxury of seeing the future.  I try to take it day by day and I'm usually pretty good at that.  But not today.  Today I wanna crawl in bed, cry and wait for it all to be over.  Ugh...