Independence Day

 Well, another July 4th has come and gone meaning Christmas will be here in the blink of an eye.  This year, it was difficult for me for obvious reasons.  I coordinated with Matt so we could both spend some time with Eleanor and that brought up so many emotions that I wasn't expecting.  Is this what I have to look forward to with all of the holidays?  "You get her this time, I get her at this time..."  It's depressing knowing I have to share my daughter with her father.  This isn't how it was supposed to be.  We were supposed to be going to picnics together, enjoying Eleanor play with bubbles and see her joy at watching sparklers and mild fireworks.  Instead, she played in the pool with her daddy and I floated in the lazy river with my parents.  I'm still sort of shocked that this is my new life.  I know better things are in my future and I have to wait on God to bring them to me but I feel stuck in the here and now and the pain of a year of firsts without him.

I don't feel very independent at all right now.  Granted, it isn't called Independence Day for me personally. I am a red blooded American and I know full well why July 4th is so named.  But, this year I am questioning and analyzing everything so bear with me.  I'm dependent on so many things and trying desperately to be independent of those things that weigh me down.  This is all very confusing to me.  I don't know where I'm going and I'm not even sure I want to be where I am but I know I don't want to go back to where I was.  Ugh!  Can you see the storms in my head??  As I've said before, this is a going to be a very long journey of growth and healing.  Somedays I'm prepared and excited for what lies ahead.  Somedays, like this first July 4th apart, I'm confronted with a harsh reality that I never asked for or wanted.

Yet, as always, my sweet sweet girl reminds me that my life isn't so bad.  She is healthy, happy and makes me more proud than I ever could have imagined.  Here are a few pictures from our July 4th weekend!

We started the weekend off on Saturday with a bbq for my nephew, Jacob's, 15th birthday.  He loves to fish and hunt so my dad and I made him a fish cake.  Thanks to my dad who helped design the colors and layout of the fish because I was clueless.  Eleanor LOVED the watermelon.

Sunday Eleanor actually let me put her hair in pigtails.  She looked so cute and too much like a big girl.   Then she was off to her dad's for some backyard swimming!

Then Stephanie and Kennady came over for a visit.  They had so much fun playing together and it was nice to catch up with Steph.

Can you find them??

Finally Monday my mom and I went shopping while E napped.  We bought rings and a king size bed for me!  I'm so excited to have a comfy bed to sleep in and can't wait for snuggle sessions with my two babies in the "big bed."  We ended the day with a quick swim at water works.  I forgot the camera but did manage to take one lonely photo of Eleanor relaxing in the lounge chair!

                                    

Even though I did have some fun, I'm glad it's behind me.  I know it sounds silly, I mean come on, it's only July 4th.  But I think back to the past six and I was with Matt having fun, making memories.  Now those memories are bitter and hurtful.  Hopefully next year will be much happier and I will be independent of the things that haunt me.