These are the three things that I have prayed for the most over the past 17 1/2 months. I've never really felt I've had much of any of them. Although, I knew that when the time was right God would absolutely provide me with all and more than I could ever imagine. Well, the wisdom came through more heartbreak. But it came nonetheless.
The past two weeks were so difficult for me. I am not going to go into details, the story is all too familiar and I don't feel like dragging those who chose to read down with the nitty gritty. I flew out to California to be with Matt and be a family on July 19. I took the kids across the country by myself, along with many hopes, dreams and prayers. All but my kids were shattered. As was my marriage. Before I got on the plane, I saw red flags but I believed words and ignored action...I'm very good at that. I think it's because I so desperately want to believe words and I know what he could be, rather than what he is choosing to be. And he chose, yet again, to let me (and take his children with me) walk out of his life. He treated me with disrespect, disregard and I basically felt like I have for the last three years-unloved, unliked and unworthy.
I truly believe all of my decisions were right, even if most people didn't agree with them. But I had to get where I am on my own, not because people "told me so." And I'm soooo there. I know now that I cannot give this man anymore of my heart. He has proven incapable of guarding and caring for it. He does not deserve my love and all that I bring to a marriage. This makes me incredibly sad though. Like I said, I know he could be a better man. I have learned the hard way, that you can't make someone want to change and you can't love them into changing. If that were the case, all the ways I loved him would have been enough the first time this happened. Or better yet, he would have never allowed temptation to overtake him.
So where am I exactly? I am ready to move on. I am ready to accept that I will soon be a divorced, working, single mom. Tears spring to my already puffy and overworked eyes as I write this. I fought with all I have to avoid this, every part of it is nothing I ever dreamed would be in my life. I believed in Matt, our marriage and in the good I saw in him. The biggest problem was, Matt never saw it. "Hurting people hurt people" is a very common quote and so true for this situation. I prayed against this as well. But God chose something else for me, something yet to be seen but something I know will be amazing.
So, now I wait patiently for courage and strength. I need to the courage to be able to follow through with what I know is the right thing in my life and for my children. Courage to start a new life, get a job and buy a house. Courage to start a new trend in standing up for myself and not accepting anything less than Godliness in all my relationships. And I need strength to stand on my own, not be afraid of the future. Strength to fight off worldly temptations and stay focused on what God has promised me. Strength to not let people stereotype me or my children as victims or just another divorced family, like I just couldn't make my marriage work. And ultimately strength to not give a damn what people think about me and my children and realize only God's opinion of me matters! I believe, no I know, God will provide me with all my needs and more. I cling heavily to His promises. I am exactly where I need to be and that feels pretty amazing, despite the sadness and disappointment.
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