Ok, so I blog for many reasons. Mainly to keep a record of my family and write down funny little stories that happen with Eleanor and Jonah. But, another big reason as to why I blog is express myself-the real, ugly, truthful side of me. And that is what this post is about. So, I warn you, if you're here mainly for the pictures...this ain't that kind of post!
The dirty little secret that has been on my mind is that I'm a jealous person. And I hate it. I waste time, not an absurd amount of time, thinking about what I don't have, what I don't look like, what my marriage isn't, and most importantly who does have all that. Even if were only a second, it is a second wasted. As my pastor says, seeds of self pity will take over and rot your soul. My friends, that is starting to happen and I need to make some changes...fast.
Except, I'm not sure where to start. I go to church. I go to counseling. I blog. I socialize. I take Eleanor to play. I read daily devotionals. All in all, I should have it under control. But, as I said I focus on what I'm not instead of what I am. I let all that I haven't done supersede what I have done and I get upset with myself and compare myself to everyone and anyone and I make myself come up short. It's overwhelming to think like this, yet so challenging to change. And the really sad part is, I know many of the things I get jealous over are things that ARE in my control, I just chose to not change them.
I think what I need is a jump start, a fresh start. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to make a leap just yet. My marriage is hanging on by a very thin thread. Some days I wanna give up. Just walk away and start a life as a single mom. Yet I can't, I just can't. I'm not ready to give up on my husband. But I know I'm not ready to make the move across the country yet either. So, I stay in limbo. Waiting for change. Waiting for love. Waiting for God. Waiting for a miracle. All the while wallowing in self pity.
In order to change this I'm going to have to put in some serious work, that's for sure. But this time, I'm going to allow God to do the changing. I'm not going to rely on myself, because I'm failing at that and I'm tired of failing. I think I need to see myself complete a goal, any goal to get some self worth back into my life. I have a hard time following through on projects. Remember this post? Well, I haven't exactly been diligent about it! This is just one example, albeit probably the most common example in my life of not following through. As of this morning, I've lost exactly three pounds. That's right...3 measly little pounds. Makes me so frustrated that I wanna go run....ugh, try eat a cupcake Missy!! Since this has been a lifelong battle, I'm going to ignore it for a little longer. That's right, I'm not going to do diet. I will try to eat less, eat more vegetables and less sugar and get daily exercise. Matt bought me the XBOX 360 with Kinect for my birthday. He also got me the Biggest Loser game. So I am going to play video games more!
Instead, I'm going to focus on my soul. I'm am taking a 30 day challenge that I read about from this lovely little mommy blogger. If you have time, please read her story. I promise you it will my you cry but it will also make you realize there is hope and life in all situations. I am challenging myself to spend quiet time with God. Thanks to Amazon's speedy shipping, I have a 30 day devotional that goes through the Psalms. I'm so excited to start my journey of completing projects here. Just like Jess, I will update you all on my progress. I can't wait to start...tomorrow...just kidding, just kidding!
For those of you that hung in there with me through this post, here is a sweet Eleanor story. She was talking to me at breakfast and she was saying I was sweet. Then she looked at me with the cutest little face and smile and "You're the best mommy." I love that little girl beyond words and it is because of her and my adorable little son that I want to be the best me I can be!
I love Psalm 119. There are so many verses in that one passage of Scripture that are near and dear to me. If you've never read it, that is a good place to start. Verses 60-75 are especially meaningful b/c they talk about affliction and God's purpose for it. I know you know this already, but the Lord doesn't care about our happiness, only our holiness. Sometimes He gives us trials in life to make us more like Him, more holy. The bible doesn't speak about us being "happy", especially when we are facing trials and struggles that are painful, but in the end we will be able to proclaim like Job, "I shall come forth as gold." (23:10). I'm rooting for ya!! :)
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