Whirlwind

The last two months has been a whirlwind of emotions and I'm ready to share them now.  Almost two months ago, Matt wrote me a letter telling me everything I've prayed to hear.  He vowed to be the husband, father and man I deserved.  He said he is willing to do anything and everything it would take to get our family back together and stronger than ever.  Even with all that has happened over the last sixteeen months, I have never stopped wanting this too.  It was so nice to find out this is what he has been wanting all along.  I know this seems crazy to most people and rightly so.  I can't explain it, this is just a risk I'm willing to take, a risk I've been waiting to take and a risk I've been wanting to take....again.

We started counseling and were waiting to find out where he would be stationed.  We also found out he needs shoulder surgery.  However, fate was not on our side yet again and he got moved to Twentynine Palms, California.  He left to go out there mid-May and I haven't seen him since.  We had planned for me and the kids to move out there in July.  However, this distance is definitely taking it's toll on us, personally and as a couple.

This week I made the heartbreaking decision to not move out there yet.  I have been feeling insecure with moving my whole life out there, away from my the support system that has carried through the last sixteen months.  I received plenty of solicited (and unsolicited but welcomed) advice from my mom to my best friend's husband!  I took everything everyone had to say and weighed my options.  This decision was made by me for what I feel is best for myself at this point in our reconciliation.  I don't believe this is the right time for either one of us.  It is not a decision I wanted to make or made with little thought.  Simply put, I have been let down and want to give it more time to get back on track.

I am realizing so many things aka flaws in my character.  The big blaring one is my codependency tendencies.  Whew...I admitted it!  And I've accepted it.  Now, I try to work on it.  I want to restore my marriage for soooo many reasons but I need to restore myself before I can give it the chance it deserves.  And so does Matt.  Now is time for self exploration and transformation.

We still ultimately want the same thing-to be a family and be together.  That is a start.  That is positive.  We will work harder at the issues at hand and hopefully we'll be a family living under one roof soon.  We have to move a HUGE mountain.  Luckily I have a loving, most amazing God who clearly states this is possible...

Matthew 17:19-21
He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”


How awesome is that?!?