Moments

Little moments seem to matter so much at the time.  Be they happy or sad it is the moments of our days that make up our lives.  This morning as my daughter sleeps and I type I'm struggling with the moments that have made up my life over the last 10 weeks or so.  But on the other hand, these moments have also given me such clarity.

There are sweet moments with Eleanor.  Things like at a baseball game when she has her squeaky shoes on and everyone stops to look and giggle at how cute she sounds.  The first person I want to tell is her daddy because he is so proud of her.  That is how it should be.  I struggle daily with to tell or not to tell.  On one hand, he is her father and loves to hear about her cute, funny, sweet moments.  I think it brings a smile to his face.  However, he gave that all up.  The day to day life with her when she is at her best, he traded that in for something else.  Does he deserve to know his daughter was a hit at the ball game?  I caved.  I told.  It didn't make me feel good or bad, I just felt he'd like to know.  Some days I wish I could harden my heart and shut him out as he's shut me and Eleanor out.  But I refuse to compromise how I am and who I want to be throughout this whole process.  Some moments are just for me, mommy and baby moments, but others ought to be shared with her daddy too.

There are sad moments with memories.  I never knew how haunting a memory could be.  Just the other day I was putting away groceries and I thought about how much I missed my little kitchen and having my own panty and cupboards.  I liked my little home and I liked my life there.  I never thought I'd enjoy being a stay at home mom but I truly embraced it and thought I did a pretty damn good job.  I'm still a stay at home mom, just at stay at my mom's home stay at home mom!  I miss mornings with Eleanor playing in her playroom while I drank my coffee.  I miss my moments of peace when Elle would nap and I could go downstairs and play on the computer or clean up or whatever needed to be done.  My life had a purpose, a homemaker.  I can do all the same things here, it just doesn't feel the same.  And yes, I'll admit it, I miss moments with my husband.  Goodnight cuddles and kisses, good morning goodbyes, you know, all the moments that make a couple a couple.  It is just me now, no kisses, no cuddles, just me.  It is in these moments that I just want to scream "life isn't fair!!"

But then there are my moments of truth and hope.  And it is these moments that keep me going.  I feel as though throughout this whole awful mess God has sent me little aha moments.  Little nuggets of truth I like to call them.  In these moments I am shown something else that makes me say "Thank you Dear Lord for setting me free."  Moments where I have to stop and wonder who this person is, the person that used to be my husband, my partner, my love.  He is gone and gone for forever I'm afraid.  I will never understand how he could walk away and shut off his feelings for me.  But in my clear, faithful moments I realize that I don't need to understand the how and why of the situation.  God has given me the tools to get stronger.  Now it is up to me to use those tools when I need them the most.

Someday I'll look back on all of this and see the purpose.  Someday I'll be able to look back fondly at the moments my husband I shared together.  Someday I'll have my own new kitchen and home to create new moments with my children.  Someday my happy moments will be more frequent than my sad moments.  I'm looking forward to that day.