Hopeless?

Well, that's it.  It's over.  Done.  Kaput.  Final.  No chance.  After this weekend I now know that there is no chance that my marriage can survive what my husband has done.  Sadly, yes, I had been holding out hope. Hope that the good Lord would give him the clarity he needed, the strength to come to me and admit wrongdoings.  Hope that other people involved would see the consequences of their actions and finally do the right thing.  That hope was dangled in front of me this weekend and then taken away.  I chose to not accept the weak attempt at reconciliation, he even admitted he wasn't open to me and our life together.  I know my husband's heart is elsewhere and I cannot take that back.  I will not allow myself to be heart broken again by this person.  I have wished, prayed, hoped and willed a different ending to our story but it is not to be.  He is not willing to see further than right now and look at our past and what is ultimately best for the future, mainly his.

I know what I was to him and what he has left behind.  Unfortunately he cannot see all of that, he is blinded right now.  And that is just fine for him.  I am the one left feeling rejected and unwanted.  It makes me question everything and that just plain sucks!  In my darkest moments I think "How could he have left me?  What didn't I do right or what did I do wrong?  How could I have worked harder, compromised more, nagged less?  Why me Lord, why me?"  And those are the moments when I turn to my support.  They are quick to remind me that I am NOT the broken one.  I did everything I could to bring my husband back into our marriage and help him see the love I had to offer.  He turned off from me and there was nothing I could have done to stop it.  I believe them, it helps to bring me back to the reality of the situation.  But in those moments, when the devil gets into my thoughts, I am weak, insecure and self destructive.  How dare he leave me with these feelings and emotions while he gets to go be happy (or so he thinks).

In my shining moments, I see a new hope.  Not a hope of reconciliation or a life with him, but a new life.  I realize now that I cannot change him, he can't even change him; only God can and my husband isn't willing to accept that.  So I must get over the old hope and focus on the new hope.  A hope of a new man, a Godly, wonderful, loving man.  A man who will accept me just as I am and for years to come.  A man who will cherish me and my children and love us unconditionally, the way love is intended.  And if a new man isn't in the plan for me then so be it.  I will put all my heart and soul into raising these babies and that will fulfill me.  I am open to wherever God guides me.  My ears, eyes and heart are open to His plan and His plan only because I cannot rely on myself alone anymore.  As for my husband, well he isn't my problem to solve, someone else can try to fix him.  Good luck honey!