Blessings and Love

As many of you know, this has been a very trying and difficult past 12 days for Eleanor and me.  My marriage is practically over and I've moved back in with my parents.  As I search for the reasons why this has all happened and question everything, I'm overwhelmed by the amount of people who show their support for my family.  I've gotten emails and Facebook posts from so many of my friends.  Through this shocking season in my life, I've been shown a new kind of love.  The love from friends and family and most importantly God's love for me.

I cannot for the life of me begin to understand what went wrong in my marriage.  But something for my husband obviously did.  This is something we both have to live with.  I have no desire to trash him or air all my dirty laundry on my blog.  I try to analyze every decision, movement and conversation over the last 12 days and I drive myself crazy.  As I lay in bed at night obsessing over all this, I try and refocus my thoughts to God.  He knew this would happen, yet brought me to Matt and gave me Eleanor and other blessings.  He showed me what I needed to see to make my life whole again and he gave me what I'd been asking for.  My goal is to let go of the need to understand the whys, the how could hes, and the rejection.  I need to give up and let God take control of my life, as I should have done long ago.

Lately, I've been feeling a burning desire to go to church but I wanted to spend my Sunday mornings with my family and Matt wasn't willing to go to church.  So, we stayed in.  But with each passing Sunday, my yearning to be closer to the Lord grew stronger.  I went one Sunday and prayed for some sign and the following Thursday I got that sign.  The Lord works in mysterious ways.  I don't know why He has chosen this path for me and I don't think it's only to bring me back to Him.  But that is exactly what it has done.  I turn now to the one thing that will carry me through this, I turn to God knowing he will make my life better and glorious.

Time will tell why this has all come down on me.  I have lots of speculations, none of which I'm willing to share just yet.  I can only hope and pray that this will truly lead me to a much happier place, because happy I was not.  I know that and I also know that we could not continue down our current path.  It was leading to further detachment from each other and from God, neither of which I'm willing to accept anymore.  Now, I count my blessings and learn of a whole new love, the depths of which I've never known before.  I'm sad and grieving the loss of my marriage, that's for sure but I can also see a small ray of hope in the storm....