My marriage wasn't horrible, I know that. But I also know it wasn't perfect. Show me a marriage that is perfect though. We are imperfect people so how could a pair have a marriage without flaws. I fought for my marriage every step of the way. I think that is also where I get caught up. I wasn't done fighting, I wasn't ready to give up on what "should have been." I was forced to, told there was no hope for our life together. This hurts more than I can even begin to describe. To think that the person you vowed to love and honor, for better or for worse, didn't think that you were worth fighting for is beyond sad. I know that I did nothing to cause him to stray but it still hurts like hell. And it's not fair. Please don't tell me life isn't fair, that doesn't help me right now! Our marriage ended because of his issues and his inability to see what was right in front of him and how happy he could have been if he had just let himself. I wanna hate him, but my heart breaks for him for what he's done to himself.
Throughout this whole process I've learned a few things and I plan to keep on learning. I am learning how strong I actually am. I get up everyday, sometimes a little too early thanks to Eleanor, eat breakfast and take care of my daughter. I am strong enough to take care of myself and my family, with or without my husband. I have thought of being horribly mean to people involved, being spiteful and hateful, saying exactly what I think to those that need to hear it. But, I am better than that. I have refrained from saying and doing all the nasty, vengeful things that float around in my head. And I honestly believe that most people would help me justify doing some of these things. Yesterday I had to chance to talk with my husband and tell him exactly what I have been going through and exactly what he needed to hear about what he's done. Even if it did nothing for him, it made me feel a little better. I was busting inside with these feelings and felt he should know. I have learned that it's ok to ask for help. I need people and there are so many of you who would stop what you are doing to talk with me. I am amazed at how supportive everyone has been for me and Eleanor. The family and friends in my life are my rock and I'm eternally grateful. Lastly, I am amazed daily at my daughter. She draws strength out of me that I didn't even know was there. When I'm down and letting my mind go to unhealthy places, she will look at me with her cute little face and smile, give me hugs and say "hi, hi, hi, hi, mama, hi." How could my mood not be lifted?
I am still learning what it means to "let go and let God." I am (or was) an independent woman and to give up my life and its direction completely is a hard thing to do. But I know that there is a reason for all of this. There has to be, certainly God wouldn't bring me such pain without a greater purpose, a greater good. It is because of this that I must give up control and let God take me where he sees fit. As I said before, I prayed for guidance and I got it, slapped me right in the face actually! But that is ok, in fact it's what needed to happen. God will carry me through this and I will let him.
So, when I hear "you need to move on" I am not sure I completely agree. Yes, I need to stop tormenting myself with what should have been or could have been and stop trying to make sense of a ridiculously senseless situation. But I don't want to just move on. I want to move up and be happy with who I am and what I have! In time....
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